Hog Wild
Hog Wild is the seventh level of Crash Bandicoot. Having survived the perils of Papu Papu's stone cheese collection, Crash begins his great escape from the understandably pissy Savage Tribal Nation of Tribesanistan. In this stage, he makes a mad dash through suburban Papupapusburgh on his new ad-hoc animal buddy, Wartie the Warthog! He will have to manoeuvre his porcine concubine through a terrifying gauntlet of spiked pillars, dead warthogs "roasting" on spits, bottomless pits, drums, and most horrifying of all, President Papu Papu's Cabinet. Easier said than done, because Wartie sucks. The Mechanics of Fixing Bad Mechanics: Wartie Fucking Sucks! Let it never be said that the various developers who have manhandled Crashie throughout the years don't pay attention to fan complaints. Because they do. Plenty. They eat, sleep, drink, smoke, snort, inject, and sexually assault fan criticism, I assure you! They are universally terrific people who care deeply about you, and me, and that loser friend you play Crash Bandicoot games with! Honest! For realsies! For proof, let us take a look at how the various developers have handled Wartie's mechanics, updating and improving them in so many different and interesting and orgasmic ways. With your good friend and my good friend as well, Baron von Bulletpoints! *''Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex - SPOILER ALERT! - Strikes Back'' improved on Wartie's mechanics by replacing her with a much more agile critter. Namely, a retarded polar bear toddler. *''Crash Bandicoot 3: Warp, What Is It Good For?'' addressed complaints from the many, many, many bikers who followed the series. The motorcyclists and motorcyclistas were not used to the kind of wartish pig-style pork hog portrayed in this game. As such, Naughty Dog updated the character, as Sir Wartie the Second. He was adopted. *''Crashie Next-Gen: Don't Mess with Cortexas'' just kind of replaced Wartie with some shitty mechs. Um. Okay. Fuck you, Traveller's Tales. *''Crashie's Karty Party II'' finally put Wartie into the role she was born to play: generic roadside scenery on Tiny Tiger's Terrific Terra Temple Track. I mean, seriously. Wouldn't this level have been more fun if you didn't actually have to ride Wartie, but instead, could simply stop and stare at her awkward slow-motion head-bobbing animation? Now that would've been hog wild. *''Crash and Cortex: The Sitcom!'' realized the humour/erotica potential in making Crashie sit on Neoie's face. This was funny, according to some fans. These fans were probably really really young. Or really really high. Mayhap both. *''The Adventures of Crash and his TOTALLY EDGY Tattoos'' was finally able to pinpoint the number one problem with the Wartie levels. Naughty Dog gave the player only one worthless animal creature to ride in this game. Whereas Tatty Crash opted to give the player, um....several. Way to go, Radical "Entertainment", for giving gamers heretofore unforeseen variety in soul-crushing shittiness. For this....we salute you. Trivia *This level's name might be a reference to the 1930 film of the same name, starring famous comedy duo Laurel and Hardy. Like the duo's work, this stage features lots of physical comedy, mainly when Crash runs into obstacles and dies. *Alternately, it might be a pun on the name of famous Irish writer Oscar Wilde. Wilde was, among other things, infamous for having sex with other men, thus allowing them to "ride" him, in a sense, and according to many of his paramours, he was quite rough in bed. In exactly the same way, riding the hog in this level is also a rough experience, due to amazingly poor controls. *Curiously, this level features several hogs on a spit, but with no fire present to cook them. The Savage Tribesanistani Natives clearly have the technology to make fire, as proven by the torches in The Great Gate and Native Fortress, so it is unknown why they opt to roast their pork the hard way. It is possible, however, that they have simply developed a universal preference for rare meat. Alternately, it is possible that President Papu Papu has placed a strict wartime ration on flame usage for purposes other than his fantastic border security wall system arrangement project squad.